Friends of Dorothy: A Look at LGBTQ+ Meetups on Cruise Ships

If you’ve ever been on a cruise, have you noticed a “Friends of Dorothy” event listed on the daily schedule and wondered what it was? It’s a discreet way of advertising for a LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer/questioning, and more) meetup aboard. Or at least it used to be. Nowadays, “Friends of Dorothy” has been replaced on most cruise ships with something more upfront and identifiable as LGBTQ+ (for example, it’s listed as “LGBTQIA+ Meet” on Norwegian Cruise Line ships).

But “Friends of Dorothy” has a long history aboard cruise ships. According to Doug Wallace of Cruise Critic:

Friends of Dorothy meetings began popping up on cruise ships’ daily programs in the late 1980s as gay passengers began to seek out more social meetings with their own affinity group. They wanted an easy way to identify and socialize with other queer travelers on large ships.

A lot has changed for the LGBTQ+ community since the 1980s, and today “Friends of Dorothy” has largely faded from common usage. But its significance to LGBTQ+ culture and community can’t be emphasized enough.

“Are you a friend of Dorothy?”

LGBTQ+ people often used coded language to communicate with each other in public. In the United Kingdom, gay men (including seafarers) often used a “secret language” of slang called Polari that was often unintelligible to outsiders. It was primarily used from the 1920s to the 1970s. The phrase “friend of Dorothy” is another example of coded language that dates back to around World War II.

According to Dr. James Deutsch, Curator of Folklife and Popular Culture at the Smithsonian Center for Folklife & Cultural Heritage:

It might work like this: one man is attracted to another but isn’t sure if the feeling is mutual. To test the waters, he’ll ask, “Are you a friend of Dorothy?” If the response is a puzzled “Dorothy who?” he’ll know it’s wise to move on. But if the response is “Oh, yes, I’m a very good friend of Dorothy,” he’ll know it’s safe to proceed.

The phrase seems to have originated in the United States. While its exact origins are unknown, two sources in particular are often cited.

Judy Garland aboard RMS Queen Mary. Courtesy of the Queen Mary.

It’s commonly believed that the titular Dorothy refers to Judy Garland’s character in The Wizard of Oz (1939). In the film, Dorothy Gale famously sings “(Somewhere) Over the Rainbow.” One of the lines in particular seems to be directly aimed at LGBTQ+ people: “the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.” Also, one can’t ignore how the rainbow has become the most prominent symbol of LGBTQ+ culture and community.

Then there’s Judy Garland herself. In the years after The Wizard of Oz, she herself became an icon of LGBTQ+ culture. When I worked aboard the Queen Mary, I have vivid memories of a gay coworker frequently belting out her songs in the breakroom. We’d often give him a round of applause afterwards.

As Daniel Harris noted in The Rise and Fall of Gay Culture:

When Judy came onto the stage, we were the loudest and most exuberant part of that audience. We not only listened, we felt all the lyrics of all the songs. Judy Garland was all ours; she belonged to every gay guy and girl in the theatre.

Dorothy Parker. Public domain.

Another possibility is that the phrase originates with writer, poet, and screenwriter Dorothy Parker. She was noted for her sharp wit and was a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table in New York City. In later life, she was blacklisted in Hollywood for her leftist political views. Parker left her estate to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. upon her death in 1967.

Dorothy Parker once said, “Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.” She married an openly bisexual man in 1934 and frequently invited gay men to her parties and social functions in the 1920s and 1930s. She developed close friendships with several of them. Thus, many of them were “friends of Dorothy.”

Both stories may be true depending on context. While we may never know the exact origins of the phrase “friend of Dorothy,” it certainly had an impact on the LGBTQ+ community. According to Dr. Deutsch, “The phrase helped to maintain the stability, solidarity, cohesiveness, and identity of the group within the larger culture at a time when those qualities were much needed.”

Community & Inclusivity

Although the phrase may go back to the 1930s and 1940s and has deep roots in the community, shipboard LGBTQ+ meetups only started within the last 35-40 years. They also got off to a slow and sporadic start. Before long, however, the meetups picked up speed as the LGBTQ+ community became more visible and accepted. Before long, out-of-the-closet crew members began attending as official representatives for the ship and cruise line. “Friends of Dorothy” meetups became more and more common on major cruise lines, while also staying discreet enough to keep the larger public away.

Celebrity Cruises regularly ranks as one of the most LGBTQ+ friendly and diverse cruise lines in the world. Courtesy of Celebrity Cruises.

Over time, however, the phrase began to outgrow its necessity. It also created confusion with non-native English speakers. While on an Alaska cruise aboard Norwegian Spirit, Meredith Heil of Thrillist Travel talked with Cruise Director Gerardo “Jerry” De La Concha, who said:

I remember 13 years ago when I started cruising, it was still named Friends of Dorothy, and actually, I didn’t know what it was. It was just something that the community would know. But people from other countries, let’s say Mexico, would say, ‘I’ve never heard Friends of Dorothy, but I’ve heard LGBTQ.’ So probably in my second or third year, that’s when I started hearing LGBTQ more.

Over time, “Friends of Dorothy” was largely dropped from daily schedules in favor of more clear and obvious language. Today, most major cruise lines identify these meetups proudly as LGBTQ+ or LGBTQIA+. Multiple events often take place throughout a voyage. Some cruise lines, however, continue to use “Friends of Dorothy.” Heil suggests that this could be a nod to their older demographics.

But as Cruise Critic’s Wallace notes, however:

Most smaller cruise lines don’t offer official meetups onboard. Because of their more intimate size, they rarely feel it’s necessary to offer LGBTQ+ get-togethers because the ships attract people who are usually drawn to the cruise for the destination and it’s easier to meet people organically.

Overall, though, cruise ships are often considered to be safe and inclusive spaces for LGBTQ+ passengers. Most cruise lines today see the LGBTQ+ community as a major market, so it’s in their best interest to make their ships as supportive and gay friendly as possible. Many companies have banned discrimination based on sexual orientation, and a growing number have also added gender identity as well.

If you’re curious about what some of the most LGBTQ+ friendly cruise lines are, Cruise Critic’s Zachary Laks and Doug Wallace examined that earlier this year and compiled a list. Hope this is helpful!

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